From Where I Sit… by Tamra Hughes, MA, LPC
Nurturing a Partnership
Finding balance between maintaining one’s individuality and independence and yet fostering connected, loving relationships can be a difficult task for many of us. We are raised in a society that encourages independence, yet too much independence in a relationship can lead to trouble. In an age of internet access, corporate travel, and two career households, it is important for couples to take the time to put equal energy into nurturing their partnership.
Taking the time to connect with each other and truly listen to what is going on in your partner’s life is vital to keeping the marriage alive and healthy. Too often, we listen to each other in a way that only partially takes in the information the other person is saying. We listen while contemplating our response, as opposed to listening to understand. It isn’t necessary to agree, but simply to comprehend in a meaningful way, what is being said. What is your partner really saying? How do they feel about it? What was their experience like? By listening in a way that considers the other’s feelings, we have a greater likelihood of staying in sync with each other.
With constant new developments in research and medicine, the average lifespan for an individual living today has increased dramatically over even so much as the last forty years. With this change, a lifetime commitment to another person needs to accommodate the individual growth that happens throughout a lifetime of experiences. So often I hear that one person in a relationship is unhappy because the other person is not the way they were, for example, ten years ago, when they first got married. I say, it is necessary to get to know each other constantly. With each new experience we have, we learn and we grow. We are constantly changing, regrouping and reconsidering. A healthy marriage is one in which respect for individuality is shown toward each other, and a fascination with learning about one’s partner is a daily adventure. Listen to understand. Listen to learn. Respect the other person as you would someone you were just beginning to date, appreciating them as a unique individual. Respect can be contagious, and by showing respect and creating respect , a couple can foster or renew feelings of partnership.
10 Ways to nurture your partnership:
Plan a date night at least twice a month. Take turns planning the date.
- Find something to thank your partner for every day.
- Give your partner at least 20 minutes of your undivided attention every day.
- Take a walk together.
- Smile.
- Write your partner a note to give them at the end of the day. (Or send them a thoughtful email).
- Laugh together.
- Focus on your partner’s strengths, not their weaknesses.
- Ask yourself, “How has my partner grown over the years?”, as opposed to “How has he/she changed?”.
- Find a hobby to share with your partner, and respect the hobbies you each maintain individually.
